My Chaotic Life

My life has always been chaotic, I think, and maybe that has formed me into the chaotic person that I am today. Most days it does not bother me much. On the contrary, I think that chaos inspires creativity. It is when you see two things lying together, which are not really supposed to be together that sparks ideas. Sometimes even a few hours of fireworks inside your head. On such an occasion, if I find myself without pens and  paper I will go truly mad. The ideas come even faster than you can write the down, but if you don’t even put them down on paper, all of them will get lost. And you will go mad. Or sad. And dangerous to know. It’s like trying to put the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle together. If a lot of pieces are missing it just will not work.

Chaos lives next door to God, the Father of all Creation, but many people Believe that chaos is actually quite close to hell. Not so. Hell for me would be a white house with white furniture, wiped clean of all existence of life. I cannot imagine anything that would be more aggravating to me. I need to be surrounded by books, papers, words, beads, pieces of cloth etc etc. Table tops should be covered in post, Magazines and so forth. If they are not, the house is dead. Creativity is dead. Only boredom lives.

Inspired by The Daily Post: Chaotic

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Annonser

Figuring out

”You’re just saying that to disagree with me.” The mother looked at her daughter as if trying to discipline a child.

Elise is over fifty and has rarely agreed with her mother on anything. The danger of growing up with a mother who tried to dictate her every thought was that she did, in fact not really know why she liked a particular piece of clothing, whether it was because she genuinely like it or whether she just liked it because she knew her mother would hate it. She is, in fact, still figuring out who she is.

For years she had dressed the way her mother would, but everything looked frumpy on her because she was way too young for that kinds of clothes. She was still trying to figure herself out, who she was, what her taste in clothes were, whether she was as prejudiced as her mother or not. At least she knew that she liked green; it had been her favourite colour ever since she was a kid. She had saved her weekly allowance and bought herself a pea-green top, which her mother had hated. But she had loved it and grieved when she outgrew it.

Inspired by The Daily Post: Disagree

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The sound of silence

Ah, there is no other such delightful sound as the sound of silence, maybe spiced with the sound of the wind caressing the tree tops and the song of a blackbird singing to the rising sun, for that is the sound of God himself speaking to us. But we are ever too busy to descend to listening. Such is man’s arrogance. It has no limits. Modern man does not even believe in death; he thinks his arrogance will save him from dying. Why else would people drive as they do? I really do not think it is because they are in a hurry to the graveyard, but it is clear that they want to prove a point, which, presumably, then is that they have ever-lasting life. Without listening to God? Not a chance! Maybe, just maybe, if they stopped on a beautiful spot near a lake and sat down for a while, until they could hear the sound of silence. Maybe then. But the thing is, they never do.

Inspired by The Daily Post: Silence

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What does your mother know?

”You always have such a radical view of things!” Her mother flung the words at her.

”So what if I do?” Mary never knew if her opinions were really her own, or if she had adopted them just because she knew her mother would hate them. It was the same even when she was buying clothes. She wanted to find a style of her own, but the fact was that she never knew whether se was still being influenced by her mother’s taste, it she really like them herself, or if the loved them because she knew her mother would detest them.

Those were the hazards of growing up with a narcissistic mother. There were more dangers, though, than the mere matter of taste and opinions.

”You’re just saying that because it’s the opposite of what I think.”

Mary was glad her mother had at least some insight, but she really suffered from a severe lack of self-knowledge. She could, for instance, not understand why Mary had developed the habit of opining the exact opposite of what she thought was right. But then of course you had to have grown up with a narcissistic parent to understand.

Inspired by The Daily Post: Radical

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The last summer

She shivered. The last of the summer had gone, and there was only darkness ahead. She shivered, not because it was particularly cold yet, but because she was anticipating the endlessly long stretch of cold and darkness that lay ahead of her. And pain. The fact that this happened every year did not make it any easier on her. Her living space had shrunk seriously.

When she was younger she had thought, had hoped, that she would be able to increase her living space as she got older, but this was not the case. She knew most of the whys, but still. She could not accept it. It was not fair; she was not a bad person, and yet it felt as if she were in prison, punished for some crime she did not even know existed. Or was she just being punished for being her? She did not know any longer. It did not really matter.

Inspired by The Daily Post: Shiver

Höst

Deathday

Fifty is sort of a horrible number for me. Humiliating. My body is breaking down, and I can’t stand it. I don’t  even recognize myself in the mirror these days. My hair used to be my one and only pride, but it’s turning grey now. It’s dry and frizzy and quite impossible. I don’t even have a hairstyle anymore. It all just greying frizz. Dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, mixing with lines of worry. Makeup doesn’t help these days. It just makes things look worse.

Nobody celebrated my fiftieth birthday. There was nothing to celebrate. Something horrible had happened. So horrible I can’t even write it down. I was somewhere else on my birthday. Involuntarily. It definitely wasn’t my choice. I was being denigrated. On my birthday. Let me say no more. For once in my life I was actually going to have a birthday party, not to celebrate but more as a compensation for growing older. But it wasn’t to be. I can’t talk about it, and I will never plan another birthday party. Never. I can’t stand the thought of birthdays. I live 364 days a year. On my birthday I’m dead. Emotionally dead if not physically.

Inspired by The Daily Post: Fifty

Fifty

His crumbling life

”What are you doing? You’re risking Everything. You’re even jeopardizing you’re marriage!” Don stared at his friend who had started gambling online. He knew that Billy had had problems with gambling before. In real casinos. But these online casinos were so much more accessible. They were everywhere where there was a computer or a mobile phone. For the life of him Don could not understand how theses things could be legal. It was like robbing people.

Billy was a recovering alcoholic. He had been in rehab more than once. His wife had stood by him, even when his drinking had turned into gambling. But that was then. She was much stronger now, and they were low on money again now due to Billy’s unemployment. Don did not think she would be as understanding now if Billy gambled away the rest of their money. Or worse, if he got himself in debt.

Billy was not only addicted to gambling, he was the eternal optimist. ”I will win next time”, was what he kept saying to Don. ”Just one more time and I’ll make it.” But he did not, and his life came crumbling down upon him, as if shaken by a horrible earthquake. Only he himself was the earthquake. He had great potential for destruction.

Inspired by The Daily Post: Jeopardize

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